English humor. Short jokes. Part 1.

An inneficient barber
Barber: - Have I shaved you before, sir?
Customer: - No, I got those scars during the war.




A rude word
Listen, Tommy, if you promise never to say that rude word again, I will give* you ten pence.
Oh, I know* another that is worth at least fifty pence!


Sir! How dare you?
- Here, hold my horse a minute, will you?
- Sir, I am a member of the Congress.
- Never mind! You look honest. I'll take a chance.

An Englishman in Paris
- Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?
- Yes, I went to France, to Paris.
- Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?
- No, I didn't - but the Parisians did.

Quicker than he expected
- Is that Nora? - asked Willy.
- Yes, Nora is speaking, - answered the girl.
- Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.
- Yes, I will, - was the reply, - but who is speaking?

How to hammer a nail
- When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?
- The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.

A good piece of advice
A blushing young man is choosing an engagement ring. He decides on one and says to the jeweler: "I want you to engrave inside this one "From George to Dora".
The jeweler said: "If you take my advice, sir, you will just have "From George".

He is brave who is afraid of nobody
Joe: I love you. I love you. Won't you be my wife?
Jess: You must see mama first.
Joe: I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same.

A clever boy. 
A kind old gentlemen seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:
- Don't all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?
- No, I don't read them, - replied the boy.